I know you're watching over us and you'll never let anything happen to us. That trust, that belief is what's getting us through this. You are, and will always be my hero.
Every girl's first hero is her father, and that holds true for me. He's someone I've always looked up to, and always gone to, for advice, because I knew I wouldn't be yelled at like I knew mom would yell at me for messing things up. I knew he'd get me out of the mess, and leave me with a lesson to learn at the end of it. He meant the world to me and there's not a single day where I don't miss him. Initially, I felt empty, and I did not know how to deal with it. I tried everything to distract me but in vain. I've heard people say life had been unfair to them, but I never thought I'd say that, too.
He was with me one day, and the next day, he just wasn't. That's just how life is, and no matter how hard you try, it's something you just can't come to terms with. I tried to keep myself busy, but I caught myself thinking about him. Life was going to change for me and my mom, and both of us were just not prepared for that. Being an only child, I relied heavily on my dad for everything, and with him gone, it seemed like my world had come to an end.
I was told that the first few weeks were going to be the hardest. But, I just felt numb, not knowing how to feel. My dad, my hero, was no longer a part of my world, and though that ripped my heart into a million pieces, I just could not process it. It seemed unbelievable. Every single day, I hoped he'd come back, walking in through the front door, shouting, "I'm home," and that things would all just go back to the way it was.
The numbness in me was something I wanted to get rid of. I wanted to feel it, to grieve the loss of my father so that I could find some sort of relief. There were moments when a memory would suddenly pop up, and I'd find myself tearing up. I suddenly realized that my dad won't be coming to pick me up from the airport when I go home anymore. There won't be any more complaints when we go shopping.
After a while, things started to get very monotonous. I did not have it in me to get out of bed and get on with my life. It was exhausting, to just get dressed and get on with my day. My life had changed, and I had no idea about the future. It was a big question mark, and I doubt I'd ever get an answer to it. I knew that I had to talk to someone so that they'd help me get it out of my system.
Most of the time, I can hide my pain and grief quite well, but sometimes, it engulfs me and that's when I break down because I know life is not going to be the same without him. But, for him, I had to be stronger and rise above this. I knew he wouldn't want me to be sad. I knew he'd want me to move on, be happy and do well in life, because that's exactly what he wanted for me when he was alive, too.
It's been a year since his passing, but with every new day, my heart seems to be healing, and every memory that made me tear up once now brings a smile to my face. Pa, wherever you are, I want you to know that I love you and I miss you. There's not a single day where I don't think of you, but mom and I are doing fine. I know you're watching over us and you'll never let anything happen to us. That trust, that belief is what's getting us through this. You are, and will always be my hero.
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