There are good days and bad days and I've had more good days than bad, but when I have a bad day, I can't shake the feeling off, one where I feel I don't deserve to be loved.
I've always lived with a lot of insecurity, even though life's always given me reasons not to be. I'm married to the most wonderful man, and it's been three years. Even then, somehow, I live with this constant fear that he will realize I'm no good for him and that he will walk away from me. Around seven years ago, after a really rough period, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It's gotten better, but the past few months have been the worst since my diagnosis, if I may say so myself. The reason? Unknown. All I do know is that I go down a rabbit hole that's just too difficult to come out from and these negative thoughts in my head get the better of me.
I'm sure this could all be in my head, but when I have an episode, I like to stay the hell away from people, and that includes my husband as well. So far, he's been understanding, but you never know when that's going to change. When I'm depressed, there's nothing I'd rather do than avoid all sorts of social interaction and just stay in my bed till I feel better. Sometimes, it takes hours. Sometimes, days. Even though I'm trying my best to function as I normally do, it's just so hard. It's like there's a gravitational pull that's keeping me stuck to my bed in the room. As much as I try to get up and go on with my routine, it's just too hard.
My husband comes in to check up on me regularly and more than me finding it comforting, I find it irritating. So, I shut him out, too, and then I spend more time feeling bad about shutting him out. It's a never-ending cycle of grief and guilt, you see. I just don't want to let my husband peek into my head. I don't want him to see any of the dark thoughts. When I'm having an episode, the first thought that crosses my mind is to end my life. I feel like I'm a burden to everyone and that the world would be a better place without me in it. When these are the kind of thoughts that run through my head, how do I tell my husband I'm okay?
I have good and bad days, and I'm lucky to say I have had more good days than the bad. My husband respected my space and waited for me to feel better, and I loved him for that. One day, when I felt a bit better, he came to talk to me. He sat beside me, held me in his arms and reassured me with his love. However, I told him that I felt like this was causing a rift between us and that I did not know if our marriage could withstand this. That's when he looked at me, held me closer, and said, "babe, when I took a vow that said 'in sickness and in health', I meant it. I know you need some time and space. I'm not going to give up on this beautiful marriage because of a few bad days."
That's when I realized that people with depression can be loved as well. We deserve it as much as any mentally healthy person does, too. This is just a bad day, it'll pass. My husband's confidence in me is what keeps me going, it's what helps me pull myself out of the hole when I feel like I'll never be able to come out. His faith in me keeps me alive and I'm damn lucky to have found someone as loving and caring as my husband. Sure, I still have days when I want to lock myself up from the world, but my husband's always there, lending me a hand to pull myself up. He's always got a shoulder for me to lean on, and for now, that's enough for me.