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'My Husband Was Depressed And He Died By Suicide, But I Never Saw It Coming'

'My Husband Was Depressed And He Died By Suicide, But I Never Saw It Coming'

I know it's not my fault and I couldn't really do much, but hiding the fact that he died by suicide is not going to do any justice to his soul.

Trigger Warnings: Death by suicide. 

It's been about six years since I lost my husband, but the memories are afresh. They're all there, in place, like it was when he was alive. I still follow the same routine we did together, minus him. Old habits die hard, they say. My husband, Paul, was a happy man. He loved his job, and he took good care of me and the kids. He was always peppy, and he'd forever have that mischevious smile on his face. But, I did not know that he had hidden a grave secret from me, one that would cost him his life, and me, my husband. I don't know why Paul did what he did, but I believe he did it because he probably felt like we'd be better off without him.


 
 
 
 
 
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My husband was depressed, and he took his own life by suicide, but I never saw it coming. Personally, my husband was the most generous man I knew. I know that my husband wouldn't have taken such a drastic step and left us all alone unless he felt like he had no choice, but thinking that it's not my fault and that he was being selfish is one way I deal with the grief. I lost the love of my life six years ago, and I don't think anyone will ever be able to replace him. 


 
 
 
 
 
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There are days when I wonder if things would have been different if only I had noticed the signs in him. I should have seen it coming, he was my husband! He probably did not talk to me about his problems because we still live in a world where mental health is stigmatized. I couldn't get Paul to open up about his problems to me, but the only thing I could do was to not hide the truth. I could have told people that he died of natural causes, but that would not have been fair to him. 


 
 
 
 
 
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By being open, there was one good thing that came out of it. Several people mustered the courage to come up to me to share with me similar stories of how they'd lost someone they'd loved to suicide, too. It made them realize that mental health and suicide is nothing to be ashamed of, really. When I say that my husband took his life because he had depression brings me a step closer to removing the stigma. People begin to realize depression is a disease, one that sometimes requires an assist from someone else. 

 

 

 

 

Grief is something that I went through, in immense doses, but I also went through a certain trauma. I was afraid of not seeing the signs of depression in my children. I did not want to lose them to this, I couldn't afford to lose them. I was haunted by questions, ones that I really had no answer to, but I had to deal with the fact that my husband took his own life and for whatever reason, his death wasn't my fault. The closure was something that really helped me deal with the loss of the love of my life. 


 
 
 
 
 
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Disclaimer : The views expressed in this article belong to the writer and are not necessarily shared by gomcgill.com

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