He would never acknowledge me in public, but I always thought it was because he did not want people to know about us. In reality, he was just ashamed of me.
Growing up, the only thing people associated with me was my size. I was always the big girl, one that did not deserve to be in the front row during class photos because the other people couldn't be seen, I was the one that was always picked at the end during P.E. classes. This only created a complex in me, one that made me feel I wasn't worthy of love or attention. I had a fear of talking to people or going out with them because the only thing I could focus on was what people were thinking about me. It wasn't easy for me, being a size 16, surrounded by 2s and 4s. This probably explains why I went boyfriend-less for nearly 14 years of my life. By the time I was 16, I was the only one who had nothing to contribute to during those occasional games of "Never Have I Ever," because I did not have a boyfriend. Sure, I had crushes, but never had the courage to tell them how I felt about them in the fear of being rejected, solely based on how I look. But, all of that changed pretty soon and I had no idea my life would turn out this way.
One day, this guy came into class, and he smiled at me before taking the seat in front of me. I wondered if it was pity behind that smile. He was cute and I really wanted to talk to me, but my insecurities did not let me. I worried about what he would think of me, and of everything other people would say. He was definitely way out of my league and I knew it. But, that's when the unexpected happened. We did manage to get each other's names when we introduced ourselves.
That day, when I was walking home, my Facebook pinged to let me know I had a new notification. For a minute, I stopped and stared into my screen because there it was, a request from the new, cute guy. We started to talk and then there was just no looking back. For some reason, it felt like I'd known him my whole life and we have a lot in common. This became a daily thing and we'd spend hours talking over the phone. But, when he saw me in school, he didn't really acknowledge me. I thought it was because he did not want the others to know since he was new.
He made it up by making me feel really special when we spent time together, and he always said the right things, ones I craved to hear. A few months later, he called me to say he loved me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I believed him and moved mountains for him. Even then, we never went out together in public, but I always thought it was because he did not want our relationship out in the open.
The sad part about this was that my friends did not really like him and every chance they got, they'd tell me how mean he's been to me behind my back and that he'd made fun of my size, too. Of course, I did not believe them. I knew him, and I was sure he'd never say something like that. He loved me. Finally, he made plans with me to go together for our Homecoming dance and I was beyond excited. We were FINALLY going public, and I put in a lot of effort on the day of the dance to look pretty.
Just an hour before he was supposed to come pick me, his mom called me to say he wasn't feeling well and that he wouldn't be able to make it. I cried, but what pissed me off, even more, was that he was absolutely fine, and was out with his friends, instead of keeping his promise to me. I was heartbroken, but I decided I did not want to be with someone who did not appreciate me. So, I called him and said we were done. For some reason he felt insulted and yelled at me, saying that he was doing me, a fat cow, a favor by being with me.
That's when I realized that my friends were right. He never loved me, and the only reason why he did not want our relationship out in the public because he was ashamed of me. He did not want people to know we were together because he was worried about what people would think of him, spending time with me. I mean, that did a number on my self-esteem. But, soon enough I realized that it wasn't my problem to deal with, I couldn't help it if he felt insecure.
I began to love myself, and embrace my body in a way I never did before. That's when I noticed people coming up to me a lot more than they used to and I figured it was because I was more confident about myself. I hated the way he made me feel, but in a way, I was thankful to him for opening my eyes to what I'm worth and what I'm really capable of. Thanks to him, I am no longer ashamed of who I am. This is who I am, take it or leave it.