Fearing loneliness is natural, but in the pursuit of not being left alone, do not cling onto something which is not worth the physical, mental and emotional labor.
Relationships are hard work and take two people. If one is not as invested as the other, it makes very little sense to try to make it work. You meet someone, you see sparks fly, and you decide to go for it. It's not long before you find yourself in a relationship and after a little while you feel like you're the only one making the effort to keep it afloat. It's exhausting, isn't it? You let someone into your life with all your heart and it seems like a mistake. That's when I realized that I'd rather be alone than be with someone who does not appreciate me.
I've spent days and months pondering over why he was being indifferent to me. Did I do something to tick him off? Did I embarrass him? Does he not like me anymore? All these questions and many more became my constant worry. It took me a while, but it did dawn upon me that it wasn't my fault and blaming myself for something that I didn't do wasn't helping my mental health.
I found it more comforting to stay home and have nothing to do than to have my heart broken every time he canceled plans because he was busy with work or something had come up. I'd spend hours dressing up only to have the whole thing called off at the last minute. It is better to have no one to text or call than to wait for him to acknowledge you. Sure, he did text, but only when he was bored and had nothing to do. I know it does not take a lot of time to drop a text to say you're busy.
Why did I put up with that kind of negativity for as long as I did? I've been yelled at for being persistent - by him first, and then by others who knew the reality of that relationship. But I kept at it because I feared loneliness. With time, I've realized there's nothing more comforting than having some time to yourself. I figured, if he wasn't willing to commit to me, then I shouldn't have to waste my time and energy on him. It took me a while, but I realized I'm worth a lot more than what he gave me.
I don't need someone to help me define my worth. I've realized that my life is much better when I doze off on the bed while binge-watching a show that I want to, instead of being in the midst of a heated argument with him that's just wasting my time. It's much better to wake up alone than to share a space with someone who does not value my efforts. That's not love or respect.
I deserve someone who makes me one of their top priorities. I deserve someone who will shower me with kindness and assure me that there's meaning to this relationship. I deserve someone who treats me the way I deserve to be. I also realized that just because I came across a man who did not value me doesn't mean that all men are like that. I'm sure, when the time is right, I will find someone who adores me and loves me. Until then, being alone does not seem like a bad idea.