The user took to Reddit to explain how their family had a common poop knife, one they'd use to simply cut up big pieces of poop so they'd flush down the toilet easily!
The internet is a Pandora's box if you know where to look and Reddit is where you can unearth half of these treasures. Recently, user LearnedButt shared a story that explained a concept not many of us are familiar with. It's about a device that you use to help things pass smoothly down the drain. Okay, guess there's no point in beating around the bush now because the device I'm talking about is called a POOP KNIFE. Yes, that's right. Sorry if I've scarred you for life, but this is legit information that you need to know. Well, a poop knife is a knife for, er... poop. Okay, here's how it works. Fair warning, prepare to either be appalled or amazed.
My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you. The thing is, most of us have come across such situations in life, haven't we? And we have struggled to get rid of that annoying "piece of shit".
Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"? Question: why was this in the LAUNDRY room and not the bathroom? Doesn't poop go in the loo?
I thought it was a standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife. A STANDARD KIT! Basically, this is a knife to slice your poop into smaller pieces so that it flushes down easily. Whoa! I mean, what did he mean when he said mega-poop? But, the story doesn't end here, even though I really wish it did. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house.
My friend was the local dealer and always had "guests" over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife."My what?" Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please. "Wtf is a poop knife?" I don't think he realized that a poop knife wasn't something everyone had at home.
Obviously, he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it. He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML. Well, well, the cat's out of the bag!
If you thought this was as gross as it gets, you're wrong, and you're in for a surprise. Fast forward to 20 years later. I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it but used it to open Amazon boxes. She will be getting her own utility knife now. SHE HAS BEEN USING THE POOP KNIFE TO OPEN AMAZON BOXES. (Please excuse me while I sanitize my hands.)
Oh the user also added another piece of vital information, which we've all possibly figured by now. I have no idea why we didn't have three poop knives. All I know is that we didn't. We had the one. Possibly because my father was notoriously cheap about the weirdest things. So yes, we shared our poop knife. Is it the cold breeze or did I just shudder? MUCH TO MY SURPRISE, there were other people who knew that a poop knife existed, and the comments were filled with them.