Sometimes, when you feel that nothing goes your way, you find yourself falling down a deep hole with no way out of it, but there is, and this is how I helped myself out!
We all depend on someone. It was the same for me, and I thought my entire universe revolved around one person. So, I begin to go out of my way to make sure that things were being done and I put in a lot of extra effort into things. It was fun, at first, because it made me happy to be able to do all of it for them. But it went unnoticed, always. And that hurt. No matter what I did, that person just did not seem to notice, or they probably did, but they never said a word of appreciation, and that began to mess with me. Here I was, putting my heart and soul into something to make them feel special, but the only feelings involved there was me feeling like crap. They just did not seem to care.
This went on for a while, and by then, I had no interest in anything, because it seemed like it did not matter anymore. No one appreciated anything I did. And it got to me. I was lost and confused. It left me upset and sad that all my efforts went to waste. A simple "good job" from them would have literally made all the difference in the world. And, to make matters worse, it seemed like they did not even notice that I wasn't being my usual self. I wasn't laughing and joking around as much, nor was I doing the things I did before. So I began to spiral downwards; into a hole that felt like it had no way out.
I spent a lot of time feeling like a complete failure, doubting my every move, and felt like giving up on everything because, to me, it seemed like nothing seemed to matter to anyone, not even my existence. But then, I realized that my absence would affect no one else but me, so I decided to make myself matter. I've seen a lot of posts on how to love yourself when no one else does, and I realized that it actually makes sense because if I did not doubt myself so much, I would not have hit rock bottom in the first place. But, through my journey on the way up to the surface, I realized that everything was going to be okay. Here are seven things that I learned when I hit rock bottom.
At that point, whatever I did, was because I wanted to. Even though it was not appreciated the way I'd have liked it, there is no point in regretting it because no one forced me to do the things I did. It was all me. Regretting it does not change the fact that it went unappreciated, or that it was a waste of time. I know I expected a few sweet words in exchange for the efforts I put in, but at the end of the day I realized that regret was getting me nowhere, I would only hold onto the disappointment a lot longer than needed.
My father always told me to walk away from anything that did not serve a purpose. But it was the hardest damn thing to follow. As much as I wanted to walk away from them, I was constantly worried about what I would do once I left them. What would become of my life? My life was way too involved with theirs and all I could see ahead without them was emptiness, so I was scared to let them go, just because I did not want to feel lonely. But later I realized that as hard as it may be, it's the best thing to do for yourself. Walking away when you think it's time is an unparalleled experience.
When I think about it, it wasn't walking away that was hard, it was starting over. I did not know how to start over, or from where. I was used to having the other person around me, even though interaction among us was less. It was their presence that seemed to complete the void in my life. But then, I realized that I can start over. I needed a push at first, but I also felt the need to prove myself wrong, and realize I can actually do it, and so I did. It wasn't easy, but so completely worth it at the end!
Every time my efforts went unnoticed it made me feel very, very bad. At first, I thought I was being silly to feel that way. But for some reason, it did not go away, at all. Every time it happened, I felt like crap. But then again, why wouldn't I? It would be very stupid of me to say that I did what I did without expecting anything, which is not true. So I felt like crap because I did not get the reaction I expected, and then it hit me. It is okay to feel that way. Because it made me realize the value of the tiny things in life.
So, initially, when I wasn't being appreciated, I thought it was because of something I did wrong. So I would say sorry. I'd say sorry to them several times, just to get rid of the nagging feeling that I did it all wrong. Slowly, I realized it was not my fault, it was theirs. Saying sorry would not change how they behave. They'd still ignore the efforts, and they'd still ignore the way I felt, so why should I be sorry?
For a long time, I decided that the best thing to do was to keep my mouth shut and suffer in silence. I felt like dumping my woes on someone else would turn them against me, too, so I did not utter a word about my battle to anyone. But it kept getting worse, and it got to a point where I just could not take it. I had to talk to someone, and so I turned to my best friend. And that was honestly the best decision I'd made. It was a weight off my shoulders to be able to talk to someone about what was on my mind.
Thanks to my best friend, I realized that I was doing nothing wrong. But it still hurt to leave someone who meant the world to me at some point. Even after I walked away, it hurt so much. I spent most of my time alone crying, but I'd put on a brave face and go out. People expected me to move on, and they were surprised that I was still stuck in the past. But they don't know what that person meant to me, and yet, I tried to convince them that I was not dragging the healing process along. It wasn't like I did not try to get over it, it's just that it was taking a lot more time than I expected. But ultimately, I realized that this was all about me, so it did not matter what people said. How I felt about all of it is what actually mattered at the end of the day.