I never got to experience the mother-daughter bond that everyone talks about, and it actually fills me with grief.
Recently, I read an article that glorified the relationship between a mother and daughter and I was full of grief. My mother was not a shining beacon in my life, I did not go to her for every tiny problem that I faced, and we did not really share that cute mother-daughter relationship, either. I don't know where we went wrong, but for as long as I remember, this is my reality. To an outsider, we were just fine, but we knew how it really was. I don't know if she doesn't like me because of who I am or if it's probably because I wasn't the child she wanted.
So, my parents have a strained relationship, and I was always the bait for any argument they had. If my mom blamed me, then my dad took my side, just so he could piss her off. My mother was in a world of her own and she always made plans with her friends and their kids, but I don't remember the last time I went out with her. As a kid, I was so jealous of my friends who had doting mothers, while I was left to tend to my own. I learned how to cook when I was around 12, and since then, I've been fixing my own meals. My mother was indifferent to me and that always made me sad.
Owing to her behavior towards me, I wondered if I was adopted, or unplanned. I mean, it's not like we had a heart-to-heart about matters like these, so I didn't know what went on in her head. It got really bad in school when my friends used to come to tell me that their mom got them tampons and pads for their first period and took them out to treat them for ice cream. My mom wasn't there with me to hold my hand and explain things to me. I felt lonely and left out, and I had no idea how to deal with the void in my life, one that came from not being loved enough. I mean, could you blame me? I faced constant criticism when I was growing up and this was exactly why I felt like I just wasn't good enough.
For a long time, I felt like nothing I do is going to be good for my ever-critical mom. She wasn't happy with the way my life was turning out to be, but at that point, I made the decisions I felt were right because she wasn't there to listen to my dilemmas and offer me advice. My parents had also separated. I don't blame him, my mom cheated on him with one of his friends. I couldn't go to him because, as always, it ended up being my fault. I was alone, and that created a huge void, one that I doubt can be fixed anymore. I mean, I seemed to be cursed and it seemed better for me to come to terms with it.
Since I grew up having to do everything on my own, I became quite independent. I knew how to get things done and I didn't need a lot of help. The downside of being this strong and independent? I did not like letting people into my life. I was always afraid of being alone in life that I just stopped depending on anyone. It's only when you have expectations from someone do they have the power to hurt you. I did not want to ever feel what my mother made me feel. I'm okay on my own. Sure, it does get lonely at times, but it is better than having my heart broken over someone who walks into my life, only to have them leave me feeling even worse than I already was.
Now, whenever I see lovey-dovey family pictures or really great posts about the love and sacrifice of a mother, I feel nothing. I wasn't fortunate enough to grow up being loved and that has left a scar on me. I will always be jealous of the people who share a great rapport with their parents and if I ever start a family, I'd make sure my partner or my kid(s) never end up feeling the way I felt. It was horrible and I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Everyone deserves to grow up surrounded by love. I pitied myself because I wasn't lucky enough, but that's okay. I've made something of my life, and for that, I'm quite proud of myself.Disclaimer : The views expressed in this article belong to the writer and are not necessarily shared by gomcgill.com